D's dump in duh ghetto

in the process of a new site... i'm movin to xanga guys:)

http://premium.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=duhlana

It’s been a while… so christmas break is upon me. Lots of things to look forward to… Los Angeles… my new home… the thought of running outside without having to wipe out over patches of ice, looking slower than I actually am cause the snow’s slowing me down, having snot run down my nose cause it’s too cold, and leaving those grotesque leggings that runners wear in cleveland. yes, I own a pair. Only cause it minimizes lag. Feels good to feel like I’m faster than I actually am:)

So last weekend I had to get my violin fixed back in chicago so I flew in and took the train into the city… public transportation… can I just say how much I love it?!? Aside from the partial shadiness (only if you look like you don’t know what you’re doing) it’s definitely entertaining to sit there w/ nothing else to do but ppl watch and listen in on their conversations:

Scenario 1: two black girls in their late teens
“lashaaaawnda… hah ol ah ya?”
“jis turn twinny, maaaaan, fuh ma bihday, ah put uh hundud fitee dolla fuh Vee Aiy Pi strip show.”
“fo sho?!?”
“FO SHO… dey brin ih to yO hOUSE! I be like, dAaaaym! Mmm, he be like, SO foine…”

flew back to cleveland and caught the train back to my apmt from the airport. 2 boys step on the train and take seats right in front of me.

Scenario 2: cute lil black thug and his white cracker sidekick strike up conversation w/ me
“you goin ti duh game?”
“me? You mean the Cavs game? no”
“so I see you afte duh game?”
“no, I won’t see you after the game”
“how old ah ya?”
“21. How old are you?”
“yea?, I jis turn twinny. I go to Kent State. You kinda pretty, I’ll take ya to duh game”
“so do you enjoy practicing your pick-up lines on me? You should write em all down in a book”
“will you read it?”
“…I’m sure plenty of other guys’ll read it”
“I’ll write YOU a book”
“oh, okay. Let me see it first”
“so I’m a gonna buy a house nixt year”
“yea? let me see that one too…”
“den you gotta gih me yo numba fis… naw, I’m jis playin, I’m 17”
“yea, I knew all along you weren’t that old”

so if that wasn’t funny enough in itself… white cracker jr. didn’t say a peep; all he could do was laugh. He never once made eye contact with me. I must be intimidatin:)

Scenario 3: the two boys left and two girls from Case Wester Reserve University (selectively socially inept school;) get on the train on their way back to campus. One is asian and the other is indian.

“so like, he’s like SOOO cute though”
“I know, but like, he can be a jerk too sometimes like…”
“but he’s so funny!”
“he like, likes to hear it”
"like you know..."
“…cause like, at the dorm I like just like be online and stuff like that…”

ugh. When did asians start talking like valley girls… if midwestern girls talk like that, I can only imagine what the “so cal” girls talk like. And just for the records… no one from california calls it cali… it’s only the midwestern wannabe’s that call it cali. And how come most of the midwestern/east coast asians come in more generous proportions than them west coast asians? And how come us asian americans (heck, me at least) are obese compared to hong kong girls? They really need to come out w/ a plus size line out in asia… yea, I should entrepreneur that!!!

*** currently seeking asian plus size models*** please send full body shots to duhlana@hotmail.com. girls, no heels please.

so for halloween i like to get in touch w/ the maternal instinct side of me that i suppress so well during 364 days of the year... so this halloween i raided my closet and put together a lil number i like to call, "afro woman in her third trimester".

budget: $0.00

afro purchased at a Detrot Piston's playoff game...
naapy make-up ...hot pink lipstick... overdrawn-in eyebrows...
salad bowl stuffed w/ towels i a nike shoe bag hangin over my gut...
skirt hiked up over my bust... white lacy slip sticking out from under my skirt...
ghetto booty excentuated w/ towels out back fastened by a belt...
naaasty granny knee length panty hose...
shoe's to clash...
oh yea... how could i forget... a pick in my fro.

it was a riot. best costume yet. can't wait for the pictures to get developed. so after that hiatus i thought it fitting to offer a fashion/function tip of the month:

plumber's butt: disgrace, embarrassment that can easily be fixed. one of my jr high friends showed me in the locker room after Cross Country practice one day,

"you just tuck your shirt in your underwear and it stay's put"

tried an true... it works best when you have multiple layers on... tuck the innermost layer right inside the undie. works like a charm. this also works quite well in moderate to high intensity sports like running. and it's a double wammy. not only does this "undie tuck" keep your layers put, it keeps the cold air out AND.... reduces underwear bunching. now what could be better than that!

pet peeves in the public bathrooms:

0. the stanky stale "number two" odor that lingers eternally
1. cracks between stall door partitions are so big they emulate open blinds
2. no toilet paper... after you've sat down
3a. "hi,i have baggy pants and i need to pull them down... let me mop the floor for u"
3b. "hi, i have tight pants and i need to hit the flusher w/ my shoe but it's too high"
4a. a freshly been sat on for a long time toilet seat
4b. a wet toilet seat... after you've sat down
5a. going to the bathroom w/ a backpack on your back cause there's no hook
5b. number 5 AND squatting cause the toilet seat's wet


... i guess public bathrooms build character in a person. what doesn't kill you makes you stonger right? well, my plump drumstick muscles are definitely bigger from all the squatting, i've increased my "angle of flexibility" capacity when i flush the toilet w/ my foot, and i've gotten used to going to the bathroom and puttin myself on display while little kids play peek-a-boo in the cracks...

trips to the bathroom should be such the epitomy of relaxation. it's enhanced in the privacy of your own home. even better yet when you don't have to bother closing the door, or turning on the light... that's when you know you've become truly comfortable in your skin. course our society nowadays has brought other forms of business w/ us to the toilet because of our busy lifestyles... magazines for layin the lumber logs, homework, picking the bathroom to hide in while playing hide and go seek, brushing your teeth, eating, phone conversations... all of which i can't say i haven't mastered already.

the possibilities are quite endless...

so the beginning of my blog is dedicated to all you girls that don't wear tampons... :)

the real toxic shock syndrome is what you girls have to go through every month... just think... what's more toxic to your sanity: an absorbent device that instantly stops rush an gush at the source of the problem without your even feeling a thing... (yea, imagine not even feeling like you're on your period... yes, that means no feeling gush!) OR... a diaper sized rag stuffed between your legs to collect spillage after it's travelled a long journey... a rag that doesn't ensure absorbtion or ensure a direct hit... rags breed stanky! something that comes wrapped pretty in pink but leaves all your crisp white underwear a sight for sore eyes after several months. a HOT embarrassment that takes up more space than your cell phone... a rag doesn't let you sit indian style... go swimming... take a long hike w/out bringing toilet paper... or run around in white pants... even w/ all the super rags... (ie. rags with wings!) you can't wear skirts... and it still doesn't work like it says in the commercials... and who ever came up w/ advertising w/ clear blue liquid??? must've been a man. come on now; don't be ridick.

toxic shock fact: tampons is the way to go. yea yea, it's a lil scary finding that lil' secret dungeon but $#*@! once you've found it... you NEVER want to go back to the rag again!!! now this is where i'd go into some practical application steps but i don't think that'll be appropriate for those of you that feel that God's been telling you to take this next step:) i took a step of faith an i'm never turning back again...

FAITH- standing on top of the high dive...
not "God fill up the pool with water and then i'll jump"
but "God, i'll jump and then you fill up the pool with water"

talking about syndromes... over the summer my girlfriend emily ho informed me of a certain syndrome that she suffered with that i also found out i had.

multiple wipe syndrome: gotta wipe till it wipes clean an clear. this is why some boys get those unsightly brown spots on their undergarments. and why among other reasons... girls go through toilet paper faster than boys. don't have this syndrome? seek upon this syndrome... for there, thou will find whiter underwear.

on another note. i was sittin in theory class today and the girl in front of me was lookin all sporty spice wearing snap pants and baby tee.... too bad even though all her snaps were snuppd shut i could see her hairy white thigh peekin out between every snap. moral of this lesson? if you're gonna try an pull off sporty spice... you better pay the $48 and have adidas cause all other generic brands will fall short. (or, hook it up $5 for bootleg adadas in Hong Kong) i'm not dissing generic. if you've been grocery shopping with me, you know i worship generic... likewise, clothing shopping also starts at Target, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls...

i was going to talk next about my current favorite CD, Justified... :) for all the teeny boppers, "it's got a good beat and you can dance to it..." just buy it.

so i'm back. had an amazin summer in aspen dorkifyng with musicians for 10 weeks. i wish i could show pictures online cause do i have pictures... but they'd have to be censored for indecent exposure of 5 stark white arses atop a stark white mountaintop...

back in cleveland... classes have started. overloading on classes yet again... but i am excited about this class i signed up for called, "dating, family, and marriage" oh... little riot here i come! yea, you know me... only signed up becase i wanted some eye candy to keep me entertained?!? there's (gasp) boys in my class. besides that the only other thing i'm excited about is my apartment. complete with air conditioning, secured underground parking, 24 hr. maintenance, laundry and trash down the hallway, fitness center, sauna... yea. i'm spoiled and i know it.

...currently looking at a collage of pictures on my wall... Maggiano's family style buffet in Chicago: sam k lee smiling while pigu's stuffing his face w/ what looks like an amazing piece of strawberry cheesecake... MAN! i need to go back to that place!

violin jury done. papuuh all finish-uh. chinees exahm ahh go okaei dokaei! so in celebration of a dormant semester sitting on my arse i went running today in my new suck-on-ee shoes and noticed how i have a bit of extra lovin here an dere an all around dat dem dere stumuck area. sight for sore eyes; that poor old lady watching me heave asthmah up that hill... ok, so it was more like a driveway... followed by a luxurious walk... before and after the driveway... what can i say; gorgeous midwest... the pancake flatlands... full of lush rolling hillish driveways galore. aspen's gonna be such a trip...

speaking of which. i need to get a job there... banana, gap, or ice-cream? see, that's an easy decision for me... (last year at ben an jerry's we always got "free tastes" behind the ice cream bins) but God has blessed me with a developing intolerance for lactose products this past year and ever since... he'll punish me real quick... it's a guarantee. hmmm...